*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
You Might Also Like
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store