passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
the simulation is moving too fast
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny