Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks