I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
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Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
kids play hide and seek like
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.