Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
man: wait
time: no
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Nice try Hitler
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.