Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
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The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: