Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
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Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Children of the corn 🌽
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this