“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch