Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
This is a bad sign
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone