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home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
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If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
No chill.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye