@novicefather: Past employers have described me as "selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart."
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed? Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
@galvinchow: PASSWORD EVER, USERNAME GREATEST *username/password must each contain at least one numeric character* PASSWORD 9EVER, USERNAME GREATEST6
@SwedishCanary: Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.