Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
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we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.