@novicefather: Past employers have described me as "selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart."
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@TheEllenShow: Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
@xLiserx: Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: Yes. I like to watch. Netflix: I’m worried about you. Me: Just play the next episode. Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun? Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
@TheLeslieMommy: Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, "So are you sick?" No, I'm just here for the free CNN.