“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
You Might Also Like
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.