“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
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Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Is this the real life?
Is this just
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie