[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
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Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.