PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
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*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.