PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
You Might Also Like
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food