Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Morning my dudes.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.