Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
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inventing words: clothing
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
this is why you should always wash behind your ears