Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
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Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Truth
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
accurate
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
San Francisco has too many rules
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.