Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
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donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
i was baptized in a car wash
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol