Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
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if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.