@The_Troy_Show: Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
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@YeahDrewisOn: My girlfriend is: - super sweet - light as a feather - pink - melts in my mouth when I eat her - always at a circus - possibly cotton candy
@SirEviscerate: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she's a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
@david8hughes: [doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other] Bad news, pal. You're a skeleton.
@PMTheron1: There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.