Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
There’s no “u” in narcissist
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
…..pretty much.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete