PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
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Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
umm…
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars