Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
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I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Midwest trash talk
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.