The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
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My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
oh u like geography? name every lake
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”