PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
The real reason evolution started..😂
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum