PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
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“I FIXED IT!”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
😂🤣😂🤣
you gotta be faster
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress