conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Cat.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Does your wife know you’re single?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*