PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
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How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Still cracks me up
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Spring of Deception
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!