PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
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I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.