PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
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a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Easy enough.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
when you don’t want to be too vague
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado