Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”