PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
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[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“Why you watching this shit?”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …