Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
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[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch