@seandunn76: Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn't go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@maisonshouting: [on the phone] HER: are you chillin? ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
@TheMichaelRock: No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.
@WheelTod: Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
@ValeeGrrl: After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I'd handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?