Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
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Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I’m putting together a team
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>