Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
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I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣