*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
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This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
men are simple creatures
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time