*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Actually cracking up @ this
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.