Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
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I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
“How’s your day going?”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.