Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
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Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
the Monday after daylight savings
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
back to work
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?