[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
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*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.