*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
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when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Things will get butter, keep churning
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths