*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
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“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.