*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
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Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Sunday
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
how long have you had this for?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.