I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
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Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
a badder mouse
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.