Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
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The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.