*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
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Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.