Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?