Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it